Into the Void 

I should have anticipated the fall after the initial euphoria of leaving the unit but I didn’t and so I’ve fallen cushion-less onto rocky ground. I’m struggling to find meaning in the things I’m finding to do and the sudden lack of support (2 weeks between appointments) has let the old thoughts come crowding back in. The fact that I’m almost at an optimal weight means I am worried about everything I eat in case it’s just too much and so I fear I’m under achieving on that front too. My dietician was actually so right, it only takes one missed snack to fall off the tightrope. Black coffee and lots of walks are my best friends at the moment. I suppose having been pretty much institutionalised since the beginning of May there’s bound to be some adjustment, I just stupidly didn’t see it coming.

I have been attempting to meet up with people but fear I’m poor company at the moment as I have no anecdotes to share except those gained from an eating disorder hospital and they are not that easy to talk about. It makes me into a very dull person indeed. Other people’s lives seem so happy and far removed from mine at the moment that I struggle to find a middle ground. 

I’m hoping that I have the strength to readjust and keep on carrying on. I have a meeting with work on Friday and want to make a plan for a phased return which I’m looking forward to and dreading with equal measure. Meanwhile, it’s jobs around the house and craft activities which at the moment just don’t fill the gap.

Tomorrow is another day… 

Random, but funny: 

 

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3 thoughts on “Into the Void ”

  1. You’re welcome to come to the farm rosie. No conversation required. You can ride, walk, fill one of the many haynets or even do some poo picking if the fancy takes you!! While Amy is off her feet there is plenty to do. Or just be. We have some lovely people who keep horses here who are really not “horsey” people. It”s a very positive encouraging environment. We’re very lucky (and happy to share!)

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  2. I call it “the wall”. I was utterly unprepared when I came out of treatment in March. When I got out (had to go back for a tune up) in Sept I knew it was coming but the wall hit just as hard, only this time I was aware of what it was so was able to get through it more successfully. I feel strongly that treatment programs need to have groups/lectures about this for those discharging within, say, 2 weeks. I don’t understand why they don’t. Clearly everyone goes through it. For us, planning for discharge was listing the skills we’ve learned and figuring out our schedule and so forth. It wasn’t at all about how to handle to the emotional backlash and crushing loneliness after being with people all day long every day.

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