Despite another night of fragmented sleep and wandering the corridors insubstantially at dawn rattling my ball and chains and looking for water I have maintained a tentative sense of wellbeing. I am scared though, of tempting fate and have lost faith in my instinct. The weight gain is continuing at a reasonable rate and though still ‘underweight’, I feel less unwell physically at the moment. It’s a pity that the weight has to pile on around the middle first, making me feel like a little pot bellied pig, but that’s the irony of anorexia recovery and I know that over time it will redistribute itself once my body begins to trust that I will continue to feed it. At the moment it’s stopped believing in me. I also continue to be uneasy taking the cocktail of medication that has been prescribed as it feels that I have handed over control to chemistry, but am trying to just go with this for now as I think it will probably help short term. Though I am complying at present, I gain some strength from the knowledge that actually, I know myself best and as I continue to recover I will begin again to take a stand. That feisty spirit, after all, is the healthy part of me, not the part of me that should be beaten and cowed.
I have finally been given the green light for our trip to Italy though this was both a protracted and rollercoaster experience, starting with a flat refusal and including a very tough family therapy session during which both Paul and I were close to tears. At one point I was accused of being belligerent which I thought most unfair since I was simply trying to conceal my distress. Luckily, I still have remnants my persuasive qualities somewhere and could put up a fairly good argument. The compromise is that we FaceTime into the clinical team on Monday (I am going to have so much fun with choosing the Florentine backdrop for that conversation!). If things are not going well, I have agreed to fly back earlier and they will keep my bed open until Wednesday. Any later than that they have to fill the bed thanks to NHS England rules and the plan therefore, if all goes well, is to come back next week as a day-patient (for a short time I hope). I am more than happy to give up my bed since I have managed about 3 hours sleep since I got here a month ago and am missing my own bed sorely.
I have also been excitedly ‘prescribed’ a daily croissant gelato day by one of the Italian consultants which I think I may have to neatly avoid as it looks at least 1000 calories, if not more..
Here’s to some sunshine though!